Parents are role models for children. What kind of parents and children are like?

Why are they so different? How to understand and shape the character of your child Korneeva Elena Nikolaevna

Parental example and imitation

One of the mysteries of upbringing is the specific impact on the child of the example of close people and, above all, parents. For some reason, good things take root with great difficulty, but bad things seem to stick on their own.

Typical situations

Our daughter and son-in-law live separately from us. But the grandchildren often come to stay or just visit. We have two of them - Tanechka and Petrusha. Both are like their father in character. One eyebrow will be raised: “Grandma, what are you saying?!” And quitters are the same. They won’t shift too much. It’s true what they say: not from generation, but from generation to generation.

They write that you need to educate by personal example. My father and I work every weekend at the dacha from spring to late autumn, without bending our backs. A Our daughter is growing up lazy. Either she needs to see Vera, or she made an agreement with Katya. She doesn’t do anything in the garden, so at least she would put things in order at home and take care of things. On Sunday evening we return tired, I grab a vacuum cleaner and a rag, my father runs to the store to buy bread. A She won't even wash the dishes after herself. He puts it all neatly into the sink, and it sits just like that before me.

Nelechka is now seven years old. Favorite pastime: dressing up. He takes all my dresses, blouses, scarves out of the closet and dresses up. I don't remember it being like this.

Well, what can you expect from a child when the parents are alcoholics? He walks around the yard, swears all day long, or roams around garbage dumps, collecting bottles. It's a pity, of course, for the boy. But I tell my people to stay away from him.

Special instructions and training often misfire, but children perfectly copy what we do not even notice in ourselves.

First of all, children copy the behavior and treatment of each other that is characteristic of adults. Our involuntary gestures and antics are noticed and reproduced by the kids, since it is the facial expressions and pantomimes that attract the attention of a child with poor speech. As children grow up, they begin to adopt intonations and expressions that are often used in our communication, regardless of the situation. Watching preschoolers play, you can easily notice that they address toy characters the way we address them, and show their joy, displeasure or anger, accompanying them with the same exclamations that they hear from our lips.

The boys also borrow verbal expressions of emotional experiences from each other. Similar feelings and states entail borrowed repetitions of the same phrases. This is how expressions like cool, world fart, wow, funny, well, damn, oops etc. But when an indignant mother exclaims: “Throw away this disgusting thing immediately!”, borrowing does not occur, because instead of disgust and indignation, they experience delight mixed with keen interest. And in response we hear: “Mom, look at what a beautiful caterpillar (frog, etc.)!”

However, children learn moral principles with much greater difficulty. Eastern wisdom says: “No matter how much you repeat “halva,” your mouth will not become sweeter.” The same thing happens when developing moral principles of behavior. No matter how much you tell a child that taking someone else’s property is wrong, that lying is ugly, that girls should not be offended, these phrases remain empty words if they are not confirmed by daily practical observations of the actions of adults. And the child sees that not only mom yells at dad, but dad also yells at mom. He sees how adults distort the truth, reshaping it to suit their interests. We say: “It’s already half past ten, go to bed,” and we hear the answer: “Well, why are you lying, there are only twenty minutes left. You teach not to lie, but yourself...” Such exaggeration seems completely natural to us, but the child receives an example of parental insincerity. By demanding respect for elders, adults infringe on the rights of children and trample on their right to their own opinion. “No one is asking you!” - that's the whole story.

We easily notice moments when children violate the instructions given to them, act without permission, make us blush, and feel awkward. Here, comments, reproaches and punishments will not take long to arrive. But we are in no hurry to reward children for exemplary behavior, and we generally take obedience for granted. Thus, adults do not pay attention to children when they behave well, and deal with them when they have committed a bad act.

Children's need for attention from other people is very strong, but in practice, adults engage in positive reinforcement of negative behavior, that is, they satisfy the child's need for attention only when he acts as a disciplinarian or violates accepted norms. This is the main reason why bad things “stick” quickly, while good things take root with great difficulty.

For this same reason, in problematic, asocial families, children do not always inherit the vicious traits of their parents. Any actions and deeds of children here encounter the indifference of fathers and mothers. A kind word spoken at the right moment, showing interest and sincerity can work wonders.

If we want to consolidate the best traits of our heirs in the character and habits, then we must react to the worthy actions of children or not pay attention to their antics at all, giving the children complete freedom of action. The latter is widely practiced in the Japanese education system, where children under six years of age enjoy permissiveness and unlimited freedom, but having crossed this age barrier, they are placed under very strict conditions of control and submission to the demands of their elders.

As the process of gender identification begins, boys and girls begin to imitate their parents of the same sex. Let us at least remember the example of a little fashionista who loves to try on her mother’s dresses and outfits. This behavior is nothing more than classical imitation. The girl, realizing her commonality with her mother, repeats her actions and even uses her things.

If a child grows up in a single-parent family, then the necessary behavior patterns are learned from neighbors, grandparents, babysitters, or just casual acquaintances. However, a single parent also provides good material for imitation. Voluntarily or unwittingly, he takes on the functions of a second parent. Therefore, single mothers’ sons learn the patterns of masculinity quite early and very well. After all, mom does the repairs herself and makes responsible decisions alone. At the same time, she emphasizes that work and care are men’s, and when her son grows up, he will have to do this. Also, among men who are widowers and single fathers, their daughters begin to manage things early, perform various women’s duties around the house, and take on the role of listeners and comforters.

The interests of older family members are reflected in the development of the inclinations and interests of younger ones. This applies to musical and sports preferences, theatrical and culinary hobbies, professional preferences and the like. We are not talking about blind copying here. However, something similar, close, analogous will definitely sprout and grow in fragile childish souls.

Perhaps the only exception is the love of reading. No matter how many books there are in the house, no matter how parents try to instill in their children an interest in them, no matter how passionate readers they themselves are, a love for books may not appear. And this happens very often. Modern children are not too fond of this type of intellectual hobby and relaxation, replacing books with VCRs and computers. Children who show a serious interest in reading, as a rule, have a visual type of thinking, that is, they have a visual image behind every word, and sometimes sound. The rest prefer to directly read visual information rather than receive it by processing verbal information, presented in the form of conventional signs and symbols, such as letters.

The example of parents sometimes plays a negative role in their children’s choice of future profession. Without accepting, and sometimes completely denying, the way of life of his family, the teenager most often associates it with the profession of his fathers and mothers. Yes, there are family dynasties, but this is the exception rather than the rule. Professional interests are formed under the influence of public opinion, the situation on the labor market and employment, what is talked about, written about, and reported in the media. The choice can be influenced by both their own abilities and the opinions of friends. Parental example and parental attitudes are almost in last place on this list. True, when choosing a place of study or future work, high school students can be guided by the decisions of older family members and obey them. But this is a professional choice, not professional interests and preferences. Teenagers do this out of mental laziness or lack of self-confidence, and then do what their parents imposed on them, without any pleasure.

Imitation is one of the unconscious mechanisms of the socialization process. The desire to imitate arises in a child in relation to people older than them in age, higher in social status, who have a clear intellectual superiority. The parents meet all of these criteria. When interacting with them, children resort to imitation out of respect and for their own safety. Therefore, the role of a father or mother comes with a special responsibility - responsibility for the fate of another person.

The actions of parents, their behavior in various situations most directly influence the development of the child’s personality. It is not only words that educate, not so much the system of reward and punishment used, but the very type of our existence, little things and details that we sometimes don’t even think about.

Accuracy is not brought up by calls for order and cleanliness, and does not depend on the gentleness or severity of punishment for their violators. The formation of this quality in children depends on whether we sit down to eat at a table covered with a clean, ironed tablecloth, whether we experience a feeling of disgust at the sight of crumbs, scraps left on the kitchen or dining table, whether we always have a clean handkerchief at hand or use our sleeves, whether we think that others will use the bathroom or toilet after us, whether we strive to maintain order in small things (on the desktop, in a purse or closet), where we throw an ice cream wrapper or an empty pack of cigarettes. Any other quality is formed in a similar way. It is woven from the smallest manifestations that children, without thinking, copy from those whom they see, with whom they communicate every day, whose existence is as familiar to them as the air, the change of day to night, the sound of leaves in the rain. This is what is absorbed with mother's milk and remains with us forever.

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Imitation(in social psychology) - a method of influence in which the object of influence, on his own initiative, begins to follow the way of thinking or actions of the subject influencing him, often without even knowing about it. Such cases are examples of undirected influence. However, one can imagine situations where the subject of influence, wanting to serve as a “personal example,” demands from another individual P. his actions or attitude towards life. P. caused in this way is the result of directed influence. P. manifests itself in one person repeating certain actions, gestures, intonations, and even in copying certain character traits of another person, who becomes an example or model for him. P. can also be voluntary or involuntary. In the first case, the individual consciously sets himself the task of imitating the chosen model; in the second case, he does this without thinking. The result of involuntary imitation of a significant other is the assimilation by the object of influence of previously unmastered patterns of activity transmitted to him by the subject of influence. If these patterns of activity, when generalized, change the personal characteristics of the object of influence, then the phenomenon of ideal (usually unconscious) representation of the personality of the subject of influence in his object arises. At different age periods, P. does not play the same role in a person’s life. Thus, if a child in early childhood, as a rule, simply reproduces the external actions and verbal reactions of adults, then already in preschool age, the behavior of an adult includes a complex internal processing of the received patterns. The younger schoolchild begins to copy and adopt the personal qualities of an adult, and at middle school age, when the center of attention of adolescents is their peers, adult behavior is gradually replaced by mutual imitation (the phenomenon of “group imitation” appears). With the entry into the era of adolescence, a person’s value orientations begin to play the main role in choosing an object for P. Thus, with age, the role of P. changes the content of P.; in preschool childhood, a child, looking at adults, learns to act correctly in the material world, and at school, the teacher and parents already act for him as bearers of social patterns of behavior. Here, not only and not so much the external characteristics and habits of a loved and respected person are adopted, but his inherent attitude towards other people.

I.G. Dubov

Definitions, meanings of words in other dictionaries:

Developmental psychology. Dictionary under. ed. A.L. Wenger

Imitation is following an example or model. P. occurs at different age stages of individual development in humans and animals. Despite the external similarity, different psychological mechanisms are hidden behind P.’s phenomena in different age groups. In infancy...

Brockhaus Biblical Encyclopedia

The New Testament epistles show that to imitate Christ at the same time means to imitate the apostles (1 Cor 4:16; Phil 3:17) and the teachers (Heb 13:7), the leaders of the churches (1 Thess 2:14), and the Old Testament witnesses of the faith (Heb 6:12; cf. Chapter 11) St. Paul exhorts: “Be imitators of me, as...

Psychological Dictionary

Independent copying of actions taken from others. Plays a decisive role in a person’s appropriation of social experience. Through imitation, in early and preschool age, objective actions, self-service skills, and norms of behavior and speech are learned.

Psychological Encyclopedia

Independent copying of actions perceived from others. Plays a decisive role in a person’s appropriation of social experience. Through imitation in early and preschool age, objective actions, self-service skills, norms of behavior and speech are learned.

Psychological Encyclopedia

(English imitation) - reproduction by one subject of movements, actions, behavior of another subject. Syn. imitation, mimesis. P. is one of the ways to assimilate social experience. It is especially important in the early stages of ontogenesis. (There is experimental evidence of the existence...

From early childhood, the child subconsciously absorbs all manifestations of the parents' behavior by which they live. This includes behavioral programs, attitudes, prohibitions, values, etc. Since these programs are read unconsciously, they are deposited in the subconscious, and in the future children, most often without realizing the nature of their character, behavior, reactions, live by them. Therefore, to a very large extent, the character traits of children can be assumed by knowing the characters of the parents.

Another important factor is the unfulfilled desires of parents. Wishing their children the best, parents most often come up with their own standards and offer their children to realize what they themselves could not achieve. And if this programming occurs throughout childhood, then by the age of eighteen or twenty the child already makes a choice, subconsciously carrying out this program. K. Jung wrote about this: “As a rule, the entire life that the parents did not manage to live is, due to the prevailing circumstances, passed on to the children, i.e. the latter are forced to take the path of life, which should compensate for what was not fulfilled in the life of the parents.”

The negative influence of parents on the development of a child’s character usually manifests itself in the following most typical upbringing mistakes (we have already discussed some of the mistakes of parents above):

1. Ignorance.

3.Parental debts.

4.Pressure on the child.

5. Performing certain functions for the child.

6. Unnatural attitudes in parent-child relationships.

7.Influence of the environment.

8. Imitating the behavior of parents.

9. Using children as a battery of sexual energy.

Ignorance. Ignorance is an assertion of the power of facts that have not been verified or worked through experience. The desire to control children, to subordinate them to one’s power without losing faith and prestige, forces adults to give incompetent advice. The child perceives this advice as truth and builds his worldview on it. But a moment comes when this knowledge is tested in practice and does not find confirmation, and then the child begins to not believe you and doubt your knowledge, adding his own resentment to it. As a teenager, he may say that you lied to him all his life, and he suffered from it.

What makes an adult submit to ignorance? The lack of personal experience and the desire for the child to live the way an adult lives, luring him into the network of the “correct”, from his point of view, way of life. How to remove this for adults? Try to pay attention to what you say. Catch yourself in moments when your words do not contain the truth, but a desire to change the situation in a way that suits you. This is one of the signs of ignorance towards others.

Deceptions. A child’s distrust of parents mainly appears due to unfair treatment of the child, deceptions (small and large), concealment of information (not explaining certain actions with the reference: you are still small, not old enough to understand this).

Adults deceive in two ways: consciously and unconsciously.

Unconscious lies: when a child asks you to buy a toy, you, thinking about your own, automatically answer that there is no money, tomorrow, etc. The child waits for tomorrow, but the picture repeats itself. He develops the idea that the world is unfair to him, that all people lie, that lying is common, so it is better to never reveal your true feelings to people.

The child will lose faith in you even more. if he finds out that you deliberately deceived him as a result of actions that are incomprehensible to the child and selfish to the parents. He develops the idea that he is nothing if his parents, who say that he is the most beloved, do this to him. If the question of why they do this to him is answered with aggression, then the child may form a subconscious program of submission to someone (mainly reinforced by the fear of punishment).

Parental debts. Many adults shift their debts, unfinished missions, and unfulfilled desires onto their children. This is mostly done unconsciously. But adults always pay for these actions:

1. When children grow up, they begin to blame adults for all their mistakes, since their parents did not provide or give them proper education, freedom, experience, money, etc.

2. Diseases from those forces to whose representative he transferred the debts, thereby delaying the fulfillment of their own task on earth.

Pressure on the child. Pressure on the child from the parents occurs due to the desire to manage, with the inability to manage by other means, and manifests itself in the following forms:

Pressure through punishment through moral and physical superiority (raised voice, behavior, gestures, etc.).

With more life experience, adults can predict the consequences of various actions in advance. When a child is about to take any action, you need to unemotionally tell him what the consequences may be, but leave the right of choice to him.

The child will most likely, due to his assertiveness, act in his own way, but after several such situations he will already listen to your opinion.

Performing certain functions for the child. In such a situation, the child’s right to choose is taken away and the parents receive energy from the child’s pleasant sensations. This is how laziness is born - a lack of energy to solve life's problems.

When you do something instead of a child, then, receiving gratitude from him for it, you teach him to get results without doing anything.

This can only be prevented if from early childhood you teach your child to take responsibility for his actions and trust him to carry out individual assignments.

A child, due to circumstances, doing work that was previously done for him, becomes very stressed. He has to fight with himself until this fight becomes a way of life for him. The older a person is, the more difficult it is to do this.

In order for a child to begin to do something that he has not done before, a lot of patience, love, understanding, and unemotionality are required from the parents, because sometimes it will be necessary to use punishment, force, and suggestion. There is a method of non-standard situations when you, through the public, ridicule some negative quality of a child, thereby forcing him to change. This technique should be used very carefully so as not to harbor hidden anger in the child.

Unnatural attitudes in parent-child relationships. We often hear that conflicts between children and parents are inevitable, and we believe it. The basis of conflicts are, perhaps, two main reasons - divergence of interests and pride. We constantly kill within ourselves the student who could learn from nature, from children, imagining himself to be God’s deputy on earth.

We are so used to each other that it seems to us that we know everything about our child, that he cannot tell us anything new. Why listen to him? Thus, we are cutting off a source of very valuable information.

Establishing relationships between a child and parents is a slow and difficult process, but as a result, grateful fruits ripen - friendship, mutual understanding. Try to understand the child, descend to his level of perception of the world in order to live by his values. It is very important for parents to respect the child as an individual and comply with the agreements concluded.

Influence of the environment. Living in a certain family environment, the child gets used to the rules of relationships that reign in the family. He assimilates the energies that circulate in it. All this happens due to the fact that the child is forced to live in such an environment and cannot change it, because otherwise he will not fit into the family egregor. This is an instinct of self-preservation. If this continues constantly, then in the child’s subconscious he develops a single model of behavior in family situations, which he turns to when he is already an adult and building his relationships with his own children.

This can continue until some unexpected internal or external push helps to get out of the influence of this relationship program.

Try to show your child a variety of behavior patterns or explain that this behavior is accepted only by you, while others behave in the same way as they do, and not everyone has to act the same way.

Try not to label your children, because the child will become what you call him.

Imitating parents' behavior. The difference between this type of error and the one described above is that in this case the child is guided by an authority that is stronger than him, which is a standard for him. Consciousness immediately tells him: live and be like this, and the subconscious records all your habits, inclinations, qualities. The child imitates his authority in everything, therefore, parents, behave in such a way as not to be horrified when you one day see your reflection in the child.

Using children as a battery of sexual energy. Parents are the first to begin to caress and undead the child. Usually these are unique caresses coming from only one source. Because the child is not sexually mature, he cannot feel sexual arousal. But he knows exactly what is pleasant, gentle, rough, painful. Childhood sexuality has a father-daughter, mother-son connection. If a married couple cannot find harmony in their relationship, then the mother begins to raise her son as an ideal husband, and the father begins to raise his daughter as an ideal wife. Growing up, a child unconsciously seeks in the world what he experienced in childhood. He is looking for an analogue of his parent of the opposite sex. At this point, he may stop feeding the parent. In this case, the parent establishes terror at home: he does not let the child go anywhere, he constantly monitors him. Children are told that they are too young for this, that it is a dirty business, etc.

Parents evaluate their children's chosen ones by trying them on themselves and comparing them with themselves. Hence the eternal tension in relations with mothers-in-law and mothers-in-law.

This can be avoided by establishing normal harmonious relationships between spouses. Then there will be no need for an accumulator of sexual energy in the form of a child.

There are many Russians folk proverbs indicating that people from ancient times have attached particular importance to the influence of parental behavior on the formation of the child’s character. These are such as “The apple does not fall far from the tree”, “Like the oak, like the wedge”, “Like the roots, like the branches” and “Like the seed, like the tribe”. Apparently, this is why few are surprised when difficult teenagers grow up in families with alcoholic parents or criminal parents. “What can we expect from this poor child,” the people around sigh. Like the parents, like the children.”

For many years, scientists have been basis Scientific research has tried to find the dependence of human behavior on genetic factors. Nowadays, the science of psychogenetics studies the role of heredity in the formation of human character and behavior.

According to psychogeneticists, predict Whether the temperament of the parents and their character traits were inherited by the child or whether they were formed as a result of the influence of the environment is very difficult. But none of them doubts the fact that the character of a child is greatly influenced not by genetics, but by the parental example. Children adopt the character traits and behavior patterns of their parents, therefore the main condition for raising a child to be a harmonious, interesting and intelligent person is a worthy role model for the parents themselves.

Parents who understand and love their baby, do not punish him, but try to explain everything to him and show him how to overcome difficulties by their own example, and raise purposeful people. They are not afraid to praise the child, but they also do not indulge all his whims. These are authoritative parents, they know what the meaning of life is and try to make the life of their child happy and joyful. Children with authoritative parents from an early age show great curiosity, they are self-confident and energetic, thanks to these character qualities they achieve good success in life.

From a young age, children try to imitate behavior parents, so before you demand discipline and teach your child order, look at yourself. Do you wash your hands before eating, do you hold cutlery correctly, do you not slouch while sitting at the table? If a child watches every day how his parents get up at the same time, wash themselves, clean up the bed and dishes, brush their teeth and do exercises, then very soon he himself begins to perform these same actions without coercion.

In adulthood he will not be late for work, his distinctive character traits will be accuracy and responsibility. And, on the contrary, with parents who read a newspaper or watch TV while eating, talk to each other in a raised voice, do not wash the dishes after themselves and throw things around, the child behaves in the same way as the parents themselves.

Exception to this rules are only those children who grew up exposed to the influence of other authorities, for example, grandparents or uncles, who became role models for him. In these cases, a child of neat and orderly parents may grow up to be a slob, while a child of thrifty and thrifty parents may grow up to be a spender. All adults who stay with the child for a long time serve as role models. Therefore, the choice of nannies and child’s friends must be taken very responsibly.

Open relationship between parents and children - this is very good, but they should not cross all boundaries. There is no need to judge or speak badly about your parents, relatives, teacher or teacher in the presence of children. Tell your children about the bad things your loved ones do, but also remember to tell them that you love them even though they make mistakes.

In modern world many people put everything at the forefront and throw themselves into work headlong, thereby giving preference to satisfying their desires rather than properly raising a child. Most parents are constantly overloaded with work, they are very tired at the end of the working day and get irritated when the child does not obey them from the first word, scatters toys and makes noise.

In these cases parents it seems that the child should understand them, but children are just children; they do not understand anything without explanation. Authoritarian parents who believe that the child must obey them in everything, grow up irritable and conflict-prone children. They, like their parents, lack patience; the meaning of life for them lies in satisfying material needs. Indulgent parents who do not control the child’s behavior and allow him everything, raise aggressive and impulsive children. They do not want to take responsibility, are afraid to make their own decisions and have no goals in life.

Memories childhood and relationships with parents accompany us throughout our lives, we follow some of them, and reject others, considering that the behavior and life experience of the older generation is unacceptable for us. But the parental example of behavior and their manner of communicating with us remains in our minds and manifests itself with particular force when we ourselves become parents.

To leave in memory Give your children vivid impressions and raise them to be happy people, watch your actions. Do not lie, swear, or commit unseemly acts under any circumstances, even if you have your own justification for them. A child should not think that he can do bad things if there are good reasons for doing so.

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