I'm tired of being afraid that my mother will die. Fear after the death of a loved one
Reader question:
Bless. Tell me how to deal with fears. My mother is sick. Due to heart disease, there are seizures, then pulmonary edema develops. 3 times already saved her 77 years. I cannot endure all this calmly, I am afraid for her difficult death, the fear of being left alone, I understand everything. I believe in God, but I don't believe in God. Any increase in pressure in my mother, or a cough, starts shaking me. Even hysteria. Help, please, how can I be. I might just go crazy. Save me, God.
Archpriest Andrey Efanov answers:
Good afternoon In no case should you allow these fears to drive you to the state of "going crazy", no, no, no! This is some kind of temptation, that is, a test, and you need to overcome it. A person may have different tests, you have this.
Lack of faith can overtake any person when it is difficult to rely on the will of God. What to do here? Pray, just scream inside, ask God to grant you faith, as the father of the sick child asked: "I believe, Lord! help my unbelief" (Mk 9, 24). Be sure to tell about your fear, about what is happening, and repent of it. You yourself understand that this state is not quite normal, right? The Lord will give you strength, will certainly give!
I see that you have two points of concern: the state of your mother and your own. I think, on the first point, you yourself could talk with your mother - what she herself thinks about her attacks, how she treats them, whether they scare her or not, how and where she would like to die - at home or in the hospital (this is very important to discuss and from a practical point of view too!), Is she against resuscitation measures. These things need to be talked about. As practice shows, for example, hospice workers (just don’t be afraid of these examples! These people deal with death and understand what they are talking about), always the best option- find out what the person himself thinks about his illness and how he would like to end his earthly life, since the state of health makes us think about it more often than perhaps we would like. So talk. Maybe mom would like to have a meeting, confess and take communion. Ask. It may turn out that she herself perceives what is happening much more calmly and balanced than you. After all, this is her condition, so her perception comes first.
The second point puzzled me a little. If your mother is 77 years old, how old are you? Even if your mother gave birth to you late, you are probably already an adult, you have your own profession, maybe a family. Growing up means, among other things - if not primarily - the ability to stand on your own two feet. And if there are parents, then an adult is either equal with them or can provide some kind of support, even household support. But it is precisely the need for a parent, the vital need for him, that an adult does not have, only children have it. Do you understand? You need to think very seriously about this moment - the fear of being alone, and understand that mom has the right to her own attitude towards her illness, and your responsibility is to stand on your feet and live, live on and live on your own, not depending so much on mom . Of course, when the mother is alive and there, it's much better than when everything is different, but it's just that the parents leave, and the children stay. And your task is not to be afraid to stay, because such is life and you can stay and cope with everything, everything, especially if you lead a regular spiritual life, resort to the Sacraments - confession, communion - and not be afraid to deal with yourself.
Think about your situation, calmly, prayerfully, go to confession, talk to your mother and accept things as they are.
If it’s very difficult for yourself, go to a psychologist, at least look for a free district psychologist or at the temple, go and sort this situation out with him. You just need to not be afraid to see how everything is, and live on.
God bless you!
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The death of a loved one is a great loss. On the one hand, we lose support, happy moments of communication, a joint future. On the other hand, feelings of helplessness in the face of the inevitable, fear, guilt, anger come. Such a scale of the strongest negative emotions knocks you down. We say goodbye to childish naivety, we find ourselves at the edge, and the soul trembles. Death immediately becomes tangible, large, noticeable. As one woman who buried her mother wrote: "It feels like I touched her - death."
Fears, obsessive thoughts and images that arise after the death of a loved one.
A year ago, my brother's wife died. For the first forty days, I generally slept with the lights on. I just turn off the light and it seems that the darkness is pressing on me. And I still go to bed so that the night light is always on. I put on a cross, and no matter how I close my eyes - right away she is dead with nickels in her eyes.
My mother died 2 years ago, she died in the hospital, in intensive care. I'm still afraid to close my eyes. Terrible thoughts appear, fears that I will lose the child, that I will see my mother again the same as I saw in the morgue. I do not sleep for 2 years at night, I fall asleep at 5 or 6 in the morning.
Why and who has such strong fears?
Those strongest emotional reactions, examples of which are given above, are not characteristic of everyone. Someone experiences the pain of loss, mourns, cries and suffers, but there is no fear:
On September 30, my mother died. No fear, only tears and tears. I often make a reservation: “You need to call your mother, you need to go to your mother.” Then I catch myself, my mother is not there.
Why is this happening? Why do some manage to live their grief without falling into pathological states of fear, while others cannot sleep at night for years? It depends on several factors. For example, from the presence of any anxiety disorders in a person. Medical analogies are appropriate here. A healthy psyche can deal with a traumatic event, as if someone were caught in the rain and caught a cold. A healthy immune system will help him recover quickly. But if a person was already sick, hypothermia can cause serious pathological processes that cannot be corrected with aspirin. So the loss can hit the weakened psyche in the strongest way, and you feel that you are going crazy. Need help from a specialist.
Ever since my mother's death, I've had terrible fears. I'm afraid to see her in person. I have always been afraid of the dark, just in a panic. As a child, when she stayed at home alone, she huddled in the very extreme point room and stared into open door. I was afraid to see a "grandmother" there. Now I feel the same way.Within a month, the situation has changed. Now I can't stand with my back to the door. Be sure to see the door and its space. At night, for this reason, it’s scary to close my eyes, I constantly want to see what is around me, that everything is calm there and nothing threatens me. I sleep only with light and next to my husband. Relatives are advised to seek help.
Another reason for the emergence of phobias (obsessive fears): if relatives could not be in grief, they did not live through their feelings. The girl buried her mother and cannot sleep, she sees ghosts. Grandma is sleeping. She has already lost her second child, but she thinks philosophically: “We will all be there!” It's not about indifference. People can put aside the emotional life if it is beyond their strength, and then the descendants have to live it. The grandmother buried two adult children and is doing well, and the granddaughter suffers for months from fear and grief, as if carrying a double burden of suffering. There, too, the father immediately went to another.
The situation of loss raises the resonance of everything life stories with the same context. For example, in childhood you lost someone close, but psychological defenses turned on and did not feel pain and fear. Then the next loss will provide an opportunity to get in touch with those feelings. This greatly enhances the intensity of experiences. Thus, fears will be strong if there is a heavy resonance with the past.
When my mother died, I was 7 years old. It happened in front of my eyes. I still remember everything in great detail. It was evening, we were watching a cartoon, I was sitting on my mother's lap. Then she says: “Something is not good for me, I’ll go, I’ll probably lie down.” I got up from the couch, went to the bedroom and fell down. Then everything is in a fog: an ambulance, doctors, some people. There was no fear: they did not take me to the funeral. And when my grandmother died, I was 16 years old. Here the fear was so strong that in the first days after the funeral I was afraid to go into the house. I was scared even to look at the door of her room, everything seemed to me that she was about to come out of there. I dreamed almost every day. And always in some kind of nightmares.
Another reason for strong fears is the presence of resentment, anger, disgust for the deceased. It is easy for us to let go if there is a flow of love between loved ones. And then many write that they felt calm, now THERE is native person who will take care. The light of love does not allow the darkness to thicken.
Dad died in my apartment. I haven't been able to sleep there since. Now I live with my mother, I have no strength to return home. I have nightmares that I wake up in that apartment and the horror is wildest. After his death, my father came to me for 3 nights in a row, woke up screaming. I feel it. Did I love him? This question brings tears to my eyes. I don't know the answer. As a child, yes. Respected and feared. He was very strict, military. After the divorce from my mother, when he drove us into a beggarly life for several years, I hated and despised him. Then we reconciled, but the relationship changed, he tried to achieve my location, respect, as if he wanted to make amends. He often said that he loved me. And I couldn't say those words to him. There was a wall between us.
What to do if there is fear after the death of a loved one
It is the expression of all the fullness of the experienced feelings of loss and pain that often helps to survive grief. Therefore, there was a tradition thousand years of history- call mourners to the funeral. Their poetic laments helped relatives not to keep tears in themselves, to throw out grief so that it would not torment and eat from the inside.
After my father died, I began to have nightmares. I was left alone in the apartment, my mother was admitted to the hospital. Every night for three weeks I dreamed of my father in a coffin with eyes and mouth sewn with coarse stitches. I dreamed that he rises from the coffin and tries to break these threads. The same dream! I drank sedatives every night and read the Lord's Prayer before bed. And in the evenings, going to bed, I heard HIS steps in the corridor! Once even a thick magazine fell from the bedside table at night by itself. One day, almost falling asleep, I felt someone sit on the bed next to me and lightly pat me on the back (I was lying on my side). At that moment, I decided that I was going crazy. Has addressed to the psychotherapist. She told me about her dreams, fears and the fact that I can’t cry - there are no tears. The doctor simply ordered me to stop drinking sedatives and simply cry. In the evening, I sat down in an armchair, turned on the music, and ... in general, I roared like a beluga for two hours. That same night I fell asleep for the first time without sedatives and without nightmares! I just needed to cry out.
Of course, in severe cases, I advise you to consult a specialist. But often people are reluctant to talk about mystical experiences for fear of appearing crazy. There are also methods of folk psychotherapeutic self-help.
My brother died very young. Five years have passed, but still the pain does not let go. I was given advice: the soul of a brother asks for a wake. Bring cakes, sweets to work and treat everyone, but do not name the reason. I do. It gets easier.
After the death of her brother, she was like a zombie. Slept at night with the lights on. It helps, for some reason you feel more protected. Six months later, she went to the sorceress, she treated with water, took off her fright. I tried to think sensibly: “We will all be there, we need to live on.” You know it helped.
Reading time: 3 min
How to deal with the death of a mother? The loss of a loved one is the most stressful factor of all. The death of a mother takes anyone by surprise and is experienced quite hard at any age, whether the child is five years old or fifty. It may take several years to survive such a shock, and if due attention is not paid to the passage of stages of grief, then the consequences can remain an unhealed wound throughout life.
It is quite normal that you will want to talk about your mother with everyone around you and often enough. Perhaps memories of my mother will come up at inappropriate, strange moments that were not previously associated with her. When you feel that urge to speak your mind, don't lock it away. Recognize that you miss and need support. It may seem that the people around you are indifferent to your tragedy, because they do not want to discuss this topic. In fact, a person may be afraid of hurting you with their inappropriate remarks or causing tears with some questions. It is guided by concern for you and a small ability to tolerate someone else's crying and suffering that people try to limit conversations about your loss or shake you out of worries.
Expecting outside help can backfire, with people genuinely wishing you well. Help them in this desire to choose the necessary form. When you want to tell something - ask to stay nearby and listen, note that this does not oblige the person to solve problems or cheer you up, but simply to listen. When someone is too intrusive or rude in their desire to help, communicate your discomfort, ask not to interfere, or say that you yourself will start a conversation when the need arises. It is better not to discuss the loss of the closest person with such people, so as not to get hurt even more, it is also good to arrange moments of silence for yourself.
How to deal with the death of a mother? Do not be alone with your experiences and do not devalue them, even if there are no people around you who can adequately be with you or give good advice, you can turn to a therapist, a priest or a person who is sympathetic to you. How you live your feelings depends on your decisions and choices - help yourself survive the death of your mother by guiding others in their aspirations and looking for coping methods that suit you.
Such a strong emotional shock, as the death of a mother happens to everyone, it’s over, you are unlikely to be able to forget this fact and make your memories exceptionally joyful, devoid of a bitter aftertaste, but you can gradually return your full functioning, and replace the pain with a feeling of light sadness.
What is the best way to get over the death of your mother? Do not rush into the desire to quickly bring your life to the image in which it was familiar before the tragedy. Firstly, this is impossible, since your life has changed significantly, and ignoring this fact disrupts your vision, and therefore your interaction with reality.
Secondly, you need to give yourself enough time for mourning, living pain and longing, not looking back at examples of who coped with this shock for how long. People have different relationships with their mothers, and death itself can be different, which also affects the rate of depression.
Ask for help from friends, from whom you can just wrap yourself in a blanket on the balcony and sit silently for several hours, or understand how to survive the death of your mother and who can follow you out of a false hope that everything could be fixed. But remember that not all of your friends may know what you need and how you should be treated in general during this period. Choose people who can give you support now, and be able to refuse help that can harm you or you feel resistance (go to a club, tie new novel, take on a difficult project - to distract).
How do you get over your mom's death from cancer?
The way a person dies leaves an imprint on those who remain alive. Sudden and quick death takes you by surprise, gives rise to a feeling of confusion and indignation at injustice, there are many understatements and regrets that they rarely saw each other, and were rude in the last conversation. In the case of death from oncology, there are several specific moments for the children of the dying.
Most often, this death is not sudden and easy. The patient himself and his relatives are informed of the irreversibility of the approaching outcome and are forced to live the remaining days with this burden. Of course, such knowledge, obtained in advance, makes it possible to ask what they did not dare, to talk about the most important, to ask for forgiveness. You cannot be absolutely ready, but you can be partially prepared in some everyday and ritual matters. But when a mother dies of cancer, it is a test of her spirit and also a ordeal for children who begin to go through the stages of loss while their mother is still alive.
This desire to deny what is happening, distrust of doctors and diagnosis. She is born for higher powers for allowing this, for her mother for being sick, for herself for being powerless. A lot of negative and confusion before the future, which threatens to take away from the world the one who has always been there and archetypally represents this whole world, puts a severe test on the human psyche. Often, with such a diagnosis, you have to sacrifice important parts of your life in order to take care of your mother, while being in a semi-shock state, in which the person himself needs. This is all very exhausting and a desire is born “as soon as possible”, for which many will later eat themselves with an eternal feeling of guilt.
Here it is worth sharing that you did not make the quickest death of your mother, you wanted an end to suffering for her and for yourself, and possibly your entire family. Death from cancer is often a mixture of grief over loss and relief from one's own suffering. Here it is necessary to understand that it was not in your power to change the hour of your mother's death, no matter how well you took care of her.
There may be a development of one's own oncology or a feeling of phantom pain in the same place as that of the deceased. Of course, it is possible to conduct an examination and it is even recommended to do this once a year, but if the symptoms continue to bother you, you should contact a psychotherapist to disidentify with a destructive image.
All other recommendations are the same as for other losses of loved ones - to live through grief, use support, competently restructure your life and gradually return to your usual routine, paying due attention to the care of maintaining physical resources.
How to help a child cope with the death of a mother?
There is an opinion that a child experiences a loss more easily than an adult, quickly forgets, or may not be aware of the fact of the death of a parent at all. A fundamentally wrong statement that breaks the psyche of many children, because if an adult has already formed some adaptive concepts and the ability to independently survive in this world, then for a child the death of his mother is tantamount to an apocalypse, since his survival is completely dependent on her.
The experience of grief in children looks in a specific way, different from the crying and hysteria of adults, and an assessment of their behavior according to the criteria of adult characteristics can lead to the idea that he easily suffered the death of his mother, when it is time to sound the alarm. When a child breaks into crying, they understand and pity him, but often the child becomes very quiet, obedient, and they like to explain this behavior by the fact that now there is no one to indulge, so he began to behave normally. In fact, the child has a scorched desert inside, and a large part of his soul (responsible for the manifestation and understanding of emotions) died together with his mother, and now a person is needed who can replace the mother in the sphere of the emotional world and learning the ability to handle them.
Children do not perceive loss in the same way as adults, so they may not speak in the usual words about their grief, but complain about boredom (the world without a mother is not interesting to them), withdraw into themselves, prefer the company of babbling kids, old people and animals. This choice is due to the fact that these living creatures can provide tactile support, and at the same time they will not fumble, require activity or vitality. Observing such aloofness in a child - help to survive the death of his mother until he finally closed up or stopped talking (in especially crisis conditions).
When in contact with a bereaved child, you will notice how the quiet stage of shock is replaced by a stage of anger directed at the deceased mother for leaving her alone, but to recognize such anger in childhood the psyche has no opportunity, and therefore it begins to pour out unaddressed on all the surrounding people, objects, weather, phenomena. But instead of anger, another reaction may appear - a feeling of guilt based on confidence, if he behaved well (he came on time, helped more, brought tea to his mother, etc.), then his mother would be with him. Feelings of guilt in the death of a mother can arise often and at any age, but a child on this basis can believe in his own uniqueness. great power, the consequences of which can range from tragic cases and psychiatry to excessive, in fear of their wrongness, provoke the death of someone else.
As you can see, the feelings of a child in the process of experiencing grief can be polar and jump with unpredictable frequency. Most of all, he needs an even supportive environment, a person who is able to contain and explain to the child himself what is happening to him now, and that this is normal and he is accepted in any condition.
All issues of the social order about adoption or guardianship should be resolved as soon as possible and without changing the decision, since with a long suspension, the adaptation of the child is delayed. The more different options change, the more internal resource will be spent on getting used to new guardians and new homes, and there may not be any spiritual and mental strength left to process grief.
How to help a child cope with the death of a mother? Against the backdrop of returning to your usual activities, offer your child something new that can partially fill his days (sections, hobbies, travel). And while the baby goes through his adaptation, grief lives, you will have a very valuable separate task - to preserve the memories of his mother. Collect photos and some things, write down stories, her favorite books, places, perfumes. Perhaps at some stages the child will help you in this, at some he will try to destroy everything or be indifferent - keep collecting, you are doing this for his future. And when the child’s heart hurts, and he asks to talk about his mother, you can return to him the maximum memory of her, passing on what belonged to her, talking about her funny features and desires, going to her favorite places.
Speaker of the Medical and Psychological Center "PsychoMed"
Nikolina
A little over a year ago, my mother died. Died unexpectedly! Didn't get sick! This is the first death of my relatives in my life... Now I am very afraid! I'm afraid for real! I'm afraid that one of my relatives may die! Horror takes from the thought that trouble could happen to my children. I dream bad dreams, I'm crying through a dream, I'm really afraid :(
Nikolina, good afternoon. Condolences to your loss. Please write, how old are you, with whom do you live, work/study, who helps you with the children?
The specialist will answer the topic after a while and will try to help you.
Nikolina
I am 28 years old, I live with my husband and two children, his mother helps us. I work, I don't study.
Nikolina, hello.
Condolences to your loss. This is a serious psychological trauma - the death of a loved one. And you need to live it correctly, they need to react. On the stress scale from the Holmes and Rage test, you can see that death comes first.
And your fear has a reason - for the first time in your life you have encountered a similar phenomenon. This is your first sad experience.
You need to live it and let it go. Would you like us to do this together?
Nikolina
Yes, sure
Well let's try.
To overcome this trauma, you need to go through several stages:
1. Shock and denial. The first stage of experiencing the loss occurs immediately after the person has learned about the grief. The first reaction to the news can be very diverse: a cry, motor excitement, or, conversely, stupor. Then comes the state of psychological shock, which is characterized by the lack of full contact with the outside world and with oneself. Man does everything automatically, like an automaton. At times it seems to him that he sees everything that is happening to him now in a nightmare. At the same time, all feelings inexplicably disappear, a person may have a frozen expression on his face, inexpressive and slightly delayed speech. Such “indifference” may seem strange to the bereaved himself, and the people around him are often jarred, perceived as selfishness, but in fact, this imaginary emotional coldness, as a rule, hides a deep shock from the loss and protects a person from unbearable mental pain.
Negation can also be expressed in a simple way - asking again. A person can again and again, as if he did not hear or did not understand, to clarify the words and formulations in which he received the bitter news. Actually in this moment he does not hear badly, but does not want to believe that something has already happened. And sometimes, the experience is potentially so strong that a person cannot physically "let it go" and can simply forget about the grief until he is ready to experience it. No matter how detailed it is explained to him, he distorts his perception by denial. A person understands that a separation has occurred or he has suffered a loss - he died close person but inside he refuses to accept this fact. Such internal disagreement is not uncommon, and it can be considered as a variant of denial. The variants of its manifestation can be different: people unconsciously look for the deceased with their eyes in the crowd of passers-by, talk to him, it seems to them that they hear his voice or he is about to come out from around the corner. It happens that in everyday affairs, out of habit, relatives proceed from the fact that the departed person is nearby, for example, they put an extra device on the table for him. Or his room and belongings are kept intact, as if he might be about to return. All this makes a painful impression, but is a normal reaction to the pain of loss and, as a rule, passes with time as the person experiencing the loss realizes its reality and gains the spiritual strength to face the feelings caused by it. Then comes the next stage of grief.
2. The second stage is anger and resentment, some authors call it aggression. After the fact of loss is realized, the absence of the deceased is felt more and more sharply. A grieving person again and again scrolls in memory the events that preceded the separation or death of a loved one. He struggles to comprehend what happened, to find the reasons, and he has a lot of questions from the cycle: “Why?” “Why (for what) did such a misfortune fall on us?”, “Why did this happen to me?” “Why did God let him (her) die?” “Why couldn’t the doctors save him?”
There can be a huge number of such “whys”, and they pop up in the mind many times. At the same time, a grieving person does not expect an answer as such, this is also a kind of expression of pain. This is an attempt to hide from pain, the search for reasons in others, the search for the guilty.
Along with the emergence of such questions, resentment and anger arise against those who directly or indirectly contributed to the death of a loved one or did not prevent it. Or the address of the departed partner and his relatives. At the same time, the accusation can be directed at fate, at God, at people: doctors, relatives, friends, colleagues of the deceased, at society as a whole, at murderers (or people directly responsible for the death of a loved one), at a mistress, children, relatives. Such a “judgment” is more emotional than rational, and therefore sometimes leads to unreasonable and unfair reproaches against people who are not only not guilty of what happened, but even tried to help. This whole complex of negative experiences - indignation, anger, resentment, envy or a desire for revenge - is quite natural, but it can complicate the communication of the grieving with relatives and friends, and even with officials or authorities. Moreover, in relation to relatives during this period, such a number of unfounded reproaches can be made that will forever destroy their relationship. It is important that the bereaved and his loved ones understand that this is such protection. Reproaching, blaming, being offended and looking for the guilty is easier than facing reality, helplessness and your pain. But the reaction of anger can also be directed at the deceased: for leaving and causing suffering, for not preventing death, for not listening, for leaving behind a bunch of problems, including material ones.
3. The stage is the stage of guilt and obsessions.
This is a search for options, how everything could be different if ... A lot of options are scrolling in my head, how everything could have turned out differently ... A person can convince himself that if he had the opportunity to turn back time, he would definitely behave according to -to another, loses in the imagination, how it would have been then ... "If I only knew ...", "If only he ...", "If only ...", "If only they went to the hospital in time ... "," If you could return everything back ... ". It would seem that in these arguments there is no common sense Is it possible to predict a breakup when it happens suddenly. Is it possible to foresee sudden death? Nevertheless, the human psyche is arranged in such a way that there is a need for the illusion that it is possible to control everything in life. Is it so? Unlikely. Many examples from practice confirm that control over life is a myth.
Parting, illness, death is a vivid confirmation of this. In addition, the search for one's own guilt in what happened often does not correspond to reality and may be inadequate in terms of the strength of the situation. Loss control is an illusion. Many blame themselves for not being attentive enough to a person during their lifetime, being wrong, not talking about their love for him, not asking for forgiveness for something. Others think they were better off dead. Still others feel guilty because of the feeling of relief at the death of a person. If the guilt begins to wear an inadequate strength character, covers a person, does not allow him to continue to live normally, then it is worth considering that we are talking about an adopted feeling.
Stage 4 is depression. This is the period of maximum mental pain, which can be felt even physically. This is a normal state, as a reaction to loss. However, if this condition drags on for years and the next stage does not occur, then the help of a psychotherapist is required here. A depressed state may be accompanied by crying, especially when remembering the deceased, about the past life together and the circumstances of his death. Or it can be experienced deep inside, when a person still lives with memories, realizing that the former cannot be returned. It seems that life has lost its meaning, there is no strength, purpose, meaning. A person after a loss can cling to suffering as an opportunity to keep in touch with the deceased, to prove his love for him. The internal logic in this case is something like this: to stop grieving means to calm down, to calm down means to forget, and to forget = to betray. As a result, a person continues to suffer, in order to thereby maintain loyalty to the deceased and a spiritual connection with him.
Stage 5 is the acceptance of the loss. This stage comes as the completion of the previous ones, characterized by emotional acceptance of the loss. Sorrow recedes, man returns ordinary life, plans are made, goals appear. Characteristic this stage: remembering the loss, a person does not lose strength and balance, on the contrary, he draws strength from it.
How does acceptance of loss actually happen and is it always possible to go through all the stages and complete everything with acceptance? Of course, for each person, the duration of the stages is individual. And not always the stage of depression turns into acceptance.
What is loss acceptance? Acceptance is when I look at the loss of a loved one calmly, without pain. Otherwise, the "parting" is not completed. This is the task of parting - accepting the loss. A sign of a completed breakup is internal change when something changes in a person and a new stage in his life begins.
Tell me, Nikolina, at what stage are you now?
Describe your feelings and emotions: what is happening to you, how you feel, you can directly use the words from the text above, so that I can understand where you are and where we should go next in our work
Nikolina
I don't know what stage it is. I understand that my mother died and I'm not angry at myself or the whole world. I live everyday life. But when I think about my mother, I cry because I miss! But I can't change anything! Sometimes I smile when I remember some funny moments, but it's still sadness. And I understand that it's okay to grieve. But what worries me is that I have a huge fear! For relatives! I even think that mom was lucky that she did not have to survive the death of her parents or children! And I am very afraid that I will have to go through this! I don't want! I am no longer afraid that my mother died, but that someone else will wash it!
But what worries me is that I have a huge fear!
Describe as if you could see your fear in the form of an object or image.
Is he inside you? Or outside?
What it looks like:
-what does it look like
-color
-size
-form
What do you feel in your body when you talk about your fear? In which part of the body does it respond: head, chest, legs ... What kind of sensation is it: cold, heat, numbness ...
Nikolina
I'm afraid for others! And for myself, probably to the extent that I have to accept it, survive it.
I don't know what stage it is. I understand that my mother died and I'm not angry at myself or the whole world. I live everyday life. But when I think about my mother, I cry because I miss! But I can't change anything! Sometimes I smile when I remember some funny moments, but it's still sadness. And I understand that it's okay to grieve.
Do I understand correctly that you accepted her departure?
You just accepted or really realized that all people die sooner or later and this is normal, for all its frightening situation...
Nikolina
I accepted it as a fact. But I didn't fully agree with him. I'm sad. And because of this, I am afraid that I will not be able to take such grief into myself. I understand everything with my head, but somewhere subconsciously this fear has risen. So real - like in childhood I was afraid of dogs, and a lump in my throat and feeling this fear physically ... So now I'm scared at the thought of the death of my relatives
Nikolina
When I talk about my mother, I want to cry, but in most cases I restrain myself from this lump in my throat, from tears that are restrained in myself. When I'm alone, I cry, probably from longing. Like a mother's child. (I'm crying now) Sometimes when I see adult women on the street and they talk on the phone with my mother... Or I see an old woman and I think that she is someone's mother, I envy, maybe even get angry somewhere .., why do they live and my mother died! !! So early...
When I talk about my mother, I want to cry, but in most cases I restrain myself from this lump in my throat, from tears that are restrained in myself. When I'm alone, I cry, probably from longing. Like a mother's child. (I'm crying now) Sometimes when I see adult women on the street and they talk on the phone with my mother... Or I see an old woman and I think that she is someone's mother, I envy, maybe even get angry somewhere .., why do they live and my mother died! !! So early...
This means that there was no response...
Tell me, how old is the child who is now crying for her mother? The first number that comes to mind.. Without thinking..
Nikolina
7 for some reason ... I often convince that everything will be fine. And now everything is fine with the family. And it's scary what could be different.
Tell me, if not for this fear, would it be easier for you to accept her departure? Let's just imagine theoretically:
here you are, the one who is calm, without fears, confident that everything will be fine. All her relatives are in perfect health, she works and lives a normal life.
Imagine yourself like this?
Were you able to see such an image? If yes, please describe it in more detail:
-what does it look like?
-facial expression?
-mood?
-What impression does it make?
Happened?
7 for some reason ... I often convince that everything will be fine. And now everything is fine with the family. And it's scary what could be different.
Well, this is your very inner CHILD that lives inside of you.
Our internal mental space is divided into three: PARENT-CHILD-ADULT.
E. Berne writes about this in a very accessible way in his book "Games People Play"
ego states
Transactional analysis is based on the concept of three ego-states in which a person can be: adult, child and parent.An adult is the rational beginning of a person. That which allows us to objectively assess the environment, develop a plan of action and make decisions. This roughly corresponds to the Freudian ego.
Child - natural and spontaneous reactions, emotional impulsive behavior. At the same time, this ego-state also includes certain behaviors learned in childhood - humility and helplessness, or rebellion. The mental structure corresponding to Freud's id.
The parent is the volitional directive component of the personality. Sometimes he comforts and takes care of, and sometimes he demands, threatens and forbids. A person borrows a model of parental behavior from significant others with whom he had to closely contact in childhood. The parent corresponds to Freud's superego.
To one degree or another, these ego states are common to all of us. Each of them, under certain circumstances, is appropriate and necessary. An adult allows us to effectively analyze and solve pressing life problems. Without the inner child, life would be dreary and dull, and the parent regulates the moral side of life. But when these ego states appear out of place or are in a strong imbalance, this leads to serious problems in life.
Yes, and your CHILD at the age of 7 cannot yet imagine how to live now without a mother and, of course, he is scared ..
You can now imagine yourself at 7 years old (or rather, remember that girl with bows ...).
See her image somewhere near you... Did it work?
And now you can become her older friend, even mom:
She needs to be reassured and told that you are near and now you will always be there and will take care of her! Make friends with her and achieve that she stopped crying, agree on eternal friendship and love
this is a little unusual, but the technique of accepting your inner child works very effectively)
Try and Subscribe
And one more task: you need to write a letter to your mother
Email subject: unfinished conversation.
A letter in which you express all the words that you wanted, but could not or could not say during her lifetime, you can also express all your grievances and claims. You need to thank her for everything at the end and imagine that she will be able to read everything that you wrote.
Take a sheet and write STRICTLY BY HAND on it a LETTER TO MOTHER, according to the following pattern:
Dear (name) I resent you because (list all situations, even minor minor grievances) I am angry that (write until you feel that this feeling has not dried up) I am sad that ... I'm afraid that ... I'm sorry that ... I am grateful (grateful) to you for ... I love you for ...
In a maximum of 15 minutes, put all your thoughts on paper. At the end of the letter, add that you release your mother with love and gratitude. After writing the letter, take new leaf paper and write the answer to this letter to yourself. And let it seem to you that this is complete nonsense. Doesn't matter! Write what you want to hear, write regardless of what you think about it. How you write it depends on whether you lived through your emotions or not. In order to become happy, you need to purify yourself completely, that is, you need to give away everything that interferes. After you do this, destroy both letters. This, of course, will not relieve you completely of the indicated problems, but it will noticeably relieve the symptoms.
Question to the psychologist:
Hello, my name is Olga. I am 24 years old, I am from Russia, but for the last 3 years I have been living in another country, I have found myself here and do not want to return. When I was 15, my mother died of cancer (uterine sarcoma). I stayed with my father. We have a big age difference, he is now 83 years old. He continues to work, goes on business trips, he has a woman. But ever since the day my mother died, I have been constantly afraid that something will happen to him soon.
On my own I'm enough happy man, balanced, optimistic. But very often (from several times a month to several times a week) I cannot fall asleep, I start crying. Then it goes away on its own, I drink lemon balm and valerian. It got to the point where I can't talk about my family at all.
Also, despite my a good relationship with my father, I do not like to return to Russia, although I go very rarely. Each such visit is a test for me. Conversations with the father become more and more difficult - especially when he starts talking about the state of health (he has high blood pressure). I also wind myself up that my father may be lonely because I live in another country. Although initially it was his idea, and he accepts the situation. In addition to me, he has two more adult sons from his first marriage, two grandchildren and a granddaughter, all older than me.
I suspect that I still have a childhood trauma: when I was 4-5 years old, my mother asked what I would do if she died. I then replied that I would stay with my dad. She said that dad would die soon too. I then cried that no, that was the end of the conversation. Later this topic was never raised, but all my childhood I was afraid that my parents would die.
Tell me how to stop thinking about the inevitable? It poisons life, does not work. Could it just be the fear of being alone? Young man I have no. Friends don't want to complain.
I have no other relatives with whom I would maintain relations, except for my aunt (the widow of my father's cousin). The fact that she's going to die scares me just as much. She is 77.
The psychologist Yulia Vladimirovna Vasilyeva answers the question.
Hello Olga!
Having carefully studied your letter, I would like to invite you to reflect on two questions:
Death as a phenomenon;
Loneliness as a reason for the loss of loved ones.
The fear of death is one of the most common human fears. What is the reason for its popularity? It arises in connection with the instinct of self-preservation, which each of us is endowed with. It is not necessary to completely overcome fear, and it is dangerous, because this fear is a kind of protection that does not allow us to put ourselves in dangerous situations every day in which we can die. The fear of death is most often associated with a lack of understanding of what will happen to us after death. We are afraid of the unknown that awaits us after death, and not death itself. What to do so that the unknown no longer frightens us? Turn it into something known, for example, to decide on your views on the existence of the afterlife. If you think that there is an afterlife, then death is not the final destination of our existence, it is only a gap, because the soul is immortal. So, death will not be a critical phenomenon for you. In this matter, it is much easier for believers, they believe that after physical death they will move into eternal life, will be next to their loved ones, their life will continue in another world, next to God. For them, death is a transition from one life to another. Perhaps you should turn to God in prayer and open your anxieties and torments before Him. Prayer is a conversation with the Almighty, after which relief will surely pass.
Another way to overcome fear.
I want to offer you a universal technique for getting rid of fears. Its essence is as follows.
Draw your fear first. So you will take out the negativity that has accumulated inside you outside. Next, talk to fear. Tell him what you want, say goodbye to him once and for all, feeling that you are his mistress, that you are stronger and have power over him. Then you need to destroy the drawing: tear, burn, crumple and throw away, as you want.
So, you first took your fear out of yourself into the outer plane, and then got rid of it.
Now let's move on to the second question.
As a rule, constant fears for the life of relatives arise after the death of one of the family members. Thus, the psyche is trying to cope with a strong negative emotional shock. That is, there is a search for a "productive" outburst of heavy emotions - to show concern for the living. Thus, a person tries to cope with the feeling of loss. And that case from childhood, which you mentioned in the letter, is quite possibly imprinted on your subconscious level. negative emotions and the feeling of hopelessness that you experienced at a young age is now haunting you. You are afraid of loneliness, you are afraid to be alone without the support and help of loved ones. This is a completely normal experience that all people experience. It is vital for a person that someone is nearby and can support him. But death is inevitable, convince yourself that this is a natural phenomenon that you can endure. I suggest you do this exercise: Rating 4.33 (21 Votes)
